McDonald’s sign: I’m not lovin’ it

Am I the only denizen of Bayview Avenue keeping track of all those McDonald’s billboards that keep going up across from the Second Cup?

January marks the third instalment since the only McDonald’s on the street — at Eglinton — closed to make way for the new LRT station at the southeast corner.

The January billboard salutes Canadian beef farmers for making all those Big Macs possible. At the bottom right it says: “Our food. Your questions.” Presumably someone asked where their beef comes from.

I have another question: why have you been directing northward traffic on Bayview to a ghost McDonald’s, since September?

McDonald's sign leads here
AFTER HOURS: The closed Bayview-Eglinton McDonald’s.

The building now looks rather derelict and non-descript. Drivers who started to salivate at the thought of a Big Mac and fries as they continue north are likely to not even notice the ghost McDonald’s. They’re likely to believe, as per the billboard, that the local McDonald’s outlet on Bayview still lies “Straight ahead.”

Well, that is accurate, in a way. The elusive McDonald’s location on Bayview will eventually materialize—in Aurora. That’s right—you will be 60 percent of the way to Lake Simcoe when our helpful McDonald’s billboard on Bayview finally delivers on its “straight ahead” promise.

Of course, by taking a little trouble, it is still theoretically possible to have your Big Mac at the Bayview and Eglinton location. Pick up some hamburger buns at a grocery store. Hijack a McDonald’s meat-patty truck and blast through the chain-link fence into the empty parking lot with it. You should have already picked up a hostage or two (your family will do). After you have axed your way through a door or window, use your cellphone to alert Toronto Hydro that you need power at this McDonald’s location, right away. When lights, heat and grill are up and running, ignore the blaring security alarms — you’re not here for the ambience, you’re here to cook up some burgers and scarf them at the only McDonald’s in Leaside, as promised by the billboard.

Pay no attention to the police beginning to surround the building. Ignore the feeble attempt by head office to send Ronald McDonald to negotiate a resolution. The burgers are done.

Yes, there will be jail-time for yourself and the missus, and reform school for the kids.

However, you’ve made the front cover of the Toronto Sun! Thanks, ghost-McDonald’s billboard on Bayview.