When your parents move in

[attach]945[/attach]Parents and their adult children are finding themselves living under the same roof much more often than in the past.

The increase, though, isn’t from kids coming home — it’s from seniors moving in.

“Several factors are driving the trend,” said Bruce Mahomy of Home Instead Senior Care. “People want to look after their parents, follow cultural traditions or improve financial situations.”

He explains the economy is down and people cannot afford costly senior homes. And public funding for senior services has decreased, he adds.

But it’s not all about saving money.

“Family members get to know each other and share in certain activities around the house,” he says.

Mahomy says seniors can feel isolated when their spouses or friends are gone.

He lived with his grandmother for 10 years and says it was a rewarding experience: he integrated her into the family by doing activities together like picking apples or preparing lunch.

“I saw the need to spend time with her and talk to her,” Mahomy said. “She went from being depressed to being happy. When families are inclusive, seniors look a lot more content.”

Families that care for seniors show children how relatives look after each other, Mahomy says.

Living with parents has its challenges, too, says Caroline Dabu, head of the retirement group at BMO. She recommends having an open discussion to prepare for the challenges of a multi-generational house.

“People need to … ask (their parents) what’s important to them,” Dabu says. “You can’t make assumptions on either side and you need to discuss the expectations of both parents and adult children.”

Often, she explains, family caregivers only worry about health issues, ignoring how important social networks are to seniors.

Moreover, Dabu says, before families decide to live together, caregivers have to know whether they can provide medical care at home or if seniors have to go to somewhere else. Adult children have to learn about the seniors’ health needs to give them the proper medical care. If caregivers work, they should get someone to look after the senior while they are absent, Dabu says.

Before having their parents move in, adult children need to take a good, hard look at the home they’ll all be sharing.

“Doorways should be wide enough for walkers, door handles should be at the right height and carpets should be levelled to avoid seniors … tripping,” Dabu says. “These are just practical considerations to make sure that seniors can get around the house.”

But not all the changes are environmental. Having a parent live with their grown-up children can require a different way of thinking as it can be difficult for seniors to accept the role reversal that comes with living under their child’s roof, Mahomy says.

“Seniors feel like they lose their dignity when the children become the parents,” Mahomy says. “It’s hard for them to assimilate the shift in relationship dynamics.”

When living together, it’s important to respect each other’s space and not see seniors as a burden, he says. Before they move in, both caregivers and seniors should see how compatible they are when living together.

“They have to ask themselves if they’re going to achieve a positive outcome as a family,” Mahomy says. “If not, then they shouldn’t venture there.”

For some families, multi-generational houses can be the source of a lot of stress.

Carla Salvador, a Bayview resident and former family caregiver, says her job and social life were affected because she spent her time taking care of her mother.

“I had to cut back on my business and hire caregivers,” Salvador says. “And I couldn’t be as socially active as I used to be because I had to stay home.”

She says sometimes living with seniors doesn’t work because caregivers leave the parent alone when they go to work. She adds sometimes grandchildren aren’t familiar with grandparents so it’s hard for them to get along.

The final decision depends on the senior. Some want to be with family and others want to be fully independent, Mahomy says. Whether adult children live with their parents or not, families should value seniors, he says.

“Grandparents help to pass on values, history and culture,” Mahomy says. “They provide guidance because they have a tremendous amount of experience and intelligence about life.”